Size 36 Shirt, Size 52 Nigeria: VP Shettima Takes Fashion Advice to Economics

Okay, so you know how every election season politicians suddenly remember that Nigerians exist? It has started, and this time it has started with tailoring.

At the inauguration of the APC Presidential Campaign Council in Abuja, Vice President Kashim Shettima turned his attention to Peter Obi’s favourite habit: comparing Nigeria to Bangladesh. According to the Vice President, Obi seems convinced that “a size 36 shirt tailored for Bangladesh will somehow fit Nigeria’s size 52 frame.” Nobody has ever explained an economy using a shirt size before, and we respect the creativity. We just think it is a bit rude to mention our frame, considering how much weight the economy has helped us lose.

Shettima then said a country of over 250 million people cannot be governed through “borrowed statistics and economic prescriptions detached from its peculiarities.” Bangladesh has not commented, being busy with being compared.

He also called Obi “the master of bogus statistics and incoherent economic prescriptions,” then added, “I respect Peter Obi.” That is the classic Nigerian “no offence, but,” the compliment that arrives with a bill attached. He dismissed Obi’s claim of winning the 2023 election as a “delusion of grandeur,” which is the sort of line that will be on a T-shirt by Friday, in size 36 or 52.

To be fair to the Vice President, statistics are Obi’s love language. Ask him anything, and you will get a number, a percentage, and a country doing it better. Ask him about the weather, and you will hear how Bangladesh handles rain.

But the APC side has its own homework. Shettima defended the removal of the fuel subsidy as a difficult but necessary decision, and mentioned 4.2 percent economic growth in the first half of this year. Wonderful news. If anybody sees this growth, please tell us where it lives, because it has not yet visited the market. He also told party members to answer critics with facts, not insults, because “opponents are not our enemies.” Beautiful. We will check back after the first group chat argument.

And so, the great debate of 2027 begins: one side is accused of borrowed statistics, the other of borrowed optimism, and both are borrowing our attention, which is the only thing we have not yet been asked to pay tax on. Somewhere, a campaign staffer is already designing the posters, and it is the only thing in this country delivered on time.

Meanwhile, the average Nigerian, who can afford neither a size 36 nor a size 52 shirt, is wearing the same one from 2022 and would like to know which candidate is selling cheaper rice. That is the only size chart we care about: the price of rice fits all.