Plot against Atiku? APC says, “Who, us?” and Nigerians say “ah, the usual episode”

Today’s gist is the classic Nigerian political drama. Every season has the same three episodes, only the actors change seats.

Episode one: somebody says there’s a plot against Atiku Abubakar. Maybe it’s about his campaign, maybe about his movement, maybe about whether the sun rose at the wrong angle over Adamawa. Nobody knows. But there’s a plot, and in Nigerian politics a plot is the opposition’s favourite kind of weather.

Episode two: the APC campaign council steps forward and says, with the calm of a man who has never been near any plot in his life, “We dismiss this allegation.” Dismiss! Not “we are investigating,” not “we have seen the evidence.” Dismiss. It’s the political version of a teacher who hears “the dog ate my homework” and says, “I will not even look at the dog.”

Episode three is the one we enjoy most. Someone says, “Those people are desperate.” Someone else says, “That’s rich, coming from you.” A third person says, “Mark my words, it’s a distraction.” Then the whole country goes back to buying garri at a price that was not agreed with us.

Let me be fair, because gist should have balance, like a good pot of soup. Every camp has played this game. If you’ve been around Nigerian politics long enough, you know that today’s accuser is tomorrow’s accused, and today’s “enemy of democracy” is tomorrow’s “esteemed colleague who we welcome with open arms.” Politicians in this country change parties the way we change data plans: whenever the old one stops giving value.

And that’s the funny part. Nobody ever produces a document, a recording, or a signed confession. It’s always “credible information.” Credible to whom? Information from where? From the same source that told your uncle the price of fuel would drop next Tuesday.

Meanwhile, the voter sits at the back of the bus with a phone at 4%, watching all of this like it’s a very long Nollywood series where the writer has lost the plot but refuses to end the show. The villain keeps changing. The hero keeps changing. Only the suffering stays the same cast member.

So here’s what I think. If there’s a real plot, bring evidence, and let the courts and the electoral rules do their work. If there’s no plot, don’t waste our time with a statement that reads like a threat from a school principal. And if both sides are simply performing, then at least give us better dialogue.

Until then, collect your PVC, ignore forwarded audio clips, and pray that the next press conference will carry something new, like facts.