Shettima Replies the Opposition: “Those Rescuing Nigeria Can’t Keep Their Own Houses Intact.” My Friend, Who Is Keeping Whose House?

Gather around, because the vice president has entered the group chat, and he came with receipts and a history lesson.

On Wednesday, at the inauguration of the APC campaign council at the Villa, Shettima decided to answer the opposition himself. And he did not whisper. He said those offering to rescue Nigeria cannot even keep their own political households intact. Hmm. A man in a glass house is throwing stones at the neighbour’s compound, but fine, the sentence sounds good.

Then he went for Atiku. He said Atiku has contested for the presidency eight times and is “no Abraham Lincoln”. Eight times! That is not a campaign, that is a subscription. Atiku does not run for president, my friend. He renews. Every four years the card is debited, and the result is always the same: “pending”.

Shettima also asked questions about Atiku’s proposal on production subsidies: “Who pays? Who benefits? And which priorities must surrender their funding?” Very responsible. Very budget-minded. This is the same country where “who pays?” is asked about a bag of rice during the election and answered by a man wearing sunglasses at night. Then came the best line: “A change in ideological wardrobe cannot balance a national budget.” Brother, that is a fashion review disguised as economics. I have heard a lot of speeches in my life, but nobody has ever criticised a man’s political agbada like that.

He also said he would not call Tinubu by his nickname, because Tinubu is the President and Commander-in-Chief. Respect. In this country, you can fight a man on every issue, but never forget his title. We will insult your policies, but call you “Your Excellency” while doing it.

To be fair, there was a nice moment. Shettima said the opposition are “not our enemies”, they are “our brothers”. Beautiful. In Nigerian politics, “our brothers” means the people you will meet at the same wedding and shake hands with, after saying terrible things about their mother on television.

Meanwhile, Obi was told his foreign comparisons do not fit Nigeria. Yes. Every country is different. Except, apparently, when a government wants to cite a foreign example that supports it, and then it fits perfectly.

And the funniest part is this. The same event where we are told the opposition cannot keep its house in order is the one where the President says he will skip some campaign rallies because of governance. So the house is clean, but the owner is not at home.

The opposition will respond, of course. They always do. It will be a press conference, then a counter-press conference, then a thread. By Friday we will all be tired, and nobody will remember who started it.