National Assembly Orders Police to Arrest CEO of Federal Ministry of Vibes

In a country where fake perfumes have better distribution than original ones, the National Assembly has finally stumbled upon Nigeria's most ambitious startup yet: a man allegedly running a fake federal agency with the confidence of someone who has already printed official letterheads, commissioned branded SUVs and probably has a "Director of Special Special Duties" on payroll. Lawmakers have now asked the Inspector-General of Police to produce the mysterious CEO of Federal Government PLC before Nigerians discover he's also the Chairman of INEC, FIFA and the Avengers.

To be fair, the alleged agency survived long enough because it perfectly understood the Nigerian ecosystem. Around here, once you have a logo featuring an eagle, a green-white-green colour scheme, three unnecessary acronyms and an office with a receptionist saying, "Oga is in a meeting," nobody asks questions. Throw in a few framed photos of the President and the National Assembly, and congratulations, you are now a government institution. Your next budget proposal is probably already waiting for approval.

The real tragedy isn't that someone allegedly created a fake federal agency. The real tragedy is that many Nigerians reportedly couldn't tell the difference. Our government offices already come with enough confusing names to make a crossword puzzle cry. Is it a commission, council, authority, bureau, task force, agency, or presidential committee? At this point, even Google sometimes replies, "I'm not sure either."

The Inspector-General has now been tasked with producing the alleged mastermind, although Nigerians suspect he may first need to identify which office is fake. If history has taught us anything, by the time investigations conclude, three committees, four white papers and a stakeholder summit will have been held, complete with branded conference bags and jollof rice.

Meanwhile, enterprising Nigerians are reportedly shelving plans to launch the Federal Ministry of Soft Life, the National Agency for Weekend Enjoyment and the Commission for Collecting Sitting Allowances. The market, sadly, has become too competitive. After all, in Nigeria, reality is already doing an excellent job competing with satire.