5 Ways to Tell a Nigerian News Story Is About to Get a Committee Instead of a Consequence

1. The phrase "we are not politicizing this" appears within the first 24 hours. Which is, in itself, the very first act of politicizing it, a statement that exists solely to frame the conversation before anyone else can.

2. A government official promises "those found culpable will be brought to book." A book that, historically speaking, has excellent security, a very quiet archive, and remarkably few readers who ever get to see what's actually written inside it.

3. The story trends for exactly one news cycle before being replaced by a conveniently timed defection announcement. The timing of the distraction is rarely commented on directly, though everyone privately notices it.

4. A "fact-finding mission" is announced before any facts have actually gone missing. The mission's terms of reference are published swiftly; its eventual findings, considerably less so.

5. Someone with the job title "Special Adviser" is asked to comment. Guaranteeing, per Listicle #7 above, maximum vagueness and zero accountability, a combination this particular job title was quite literally built to deliver.

You'll know the consequence has arrived when the committee's final report gets more press coverage than the incident itself never did.