How to Survive a Nigerian Family WhatsApp Group

Mental health experts have identified the Nigerian family WhatsApp group as one of the country's most demanding social institutions, ranking just behind planning a wedding and trying to renew a passport.

According to a newly released "Family Survival Guide," joining the group is easy. Escaping it, however, requires a miracle, a broken phone, or pretending your WhatsApp has been "hanging" since 2022.

Researchers say the average family group contains at least one retired uncle who forwards health advice every six minutes, an auntie who believes every fake news headline, a cousin who only appears to announce weddings, and one mysterious relative nobody actually remembers meeting.

The greatest danger, experts warn, is reading messages without responding.

"The moment you blue-tick the group and keep quiet, somebody will ask, 'So you saw the message and ignored your family?'" one survivor recounted. "That is how ordinary WhatsApp becomes a family tribunal."

Morning devotion messages begin promptly at 5:01 a.m., followed by patriotic broadcasts, miracle cures, political debates, birthday flyers and videos that have been circulating since the Nokia era.

Financial emergencies also arrive with military precision.

Every week, someone posts "Urgent Family Matter", only for members to discover that the urgent matter is another contribution for school fees, hospital bills, burial expenses or a cousin's surprise wedding.

Communication experts advise members to master three essential survival skills: replying with folded-hands emojis, muting the group for one year, and occasionally typing "Noted with thanks" to create the illusion of active participation.

At press time, another uncle had shared a 14-minute "Good Morning" video, while 247 family members replied, "Amen," without watching a single second of it.