Ebola: FG says “we have capacity”, Nigerians ask: capacity like the one we use to generate light?

The Federal Government has announced that it has the capacity to contain Ebola. Yes, the same government. The one that has been “containing” fuel queues, exchange rates, and your village’s only transformer for years. Now it wants to contain a virus. Fine.

They say there is no confirmed case in Nigeria. They say we should stay calm and avoid “misinformation.” But with all due respect, in this country the only thing that spreads faster than a virus is a forwarded message that begins with “Please share, my cousin works at the airport.” Calm down? Sir, I’m still calm about the last thing you told me to be calm about.

According to the official gist, the lab capacity has been “strengthened,” surveillance has been “intensified,” and facilities are on “alert.” So who is on alert? Because I know a general hospital where the alert system is a nurse shouting “Next!” and the thermometer was last seen during the previous administration.

Let me explain “capacity” in the Nigerian way. Capacity is when the minister says “we are ready,” and ten days later a committee is “constituted to assess readiness.” Capacity is a press release. Capacity is a very long meeting with a very short ambulance. We have capacity in the same way my uncle has “connections”: everyone knows about it, nobody has seen it work.

And they remind us we beat Ebola in 2014. True, and credit where it’s due. But that was 2014, and the lesson there was that good leadership, quick action, and clear information save lives. Let’s hope those three items are still in stock. I hear they are better than the generators and don’t need fuel.

Now to practical matters, because I love you. Wash your hands. Use soap, not vibes. Don’t touch the bodily fluids of anyone who is visibly unwell. And please don’t forward the “drink salt water and bathe with it” message to your family group. It didn’t work last time, and the only thing it cured was boredom.

If you hear of a suspected case, call the NCDC and don’t go on Twitter first. Twitter is where “a man sneezed at Ikeja bus stop” becomes “Lagos is closed” in nine minutes.

The government says it has the capacity. We say: prove it quietly, with soap in hospitals, lights in labs, and gloves that fit. We don’t need another speech. We have enough speeches. We have speeches in stock.

Until then, stay calm, stay informed, and stay six feet away from anyone who starts a sentence with “I heard from a reliable source.”

The writer is at home, washing his hands for the fourth time while the water is still running. Enjoy it while it lasts.