An Open Letter to Whoever Finished the Data
After the family’s 2GB mysteriously vanished before lunch, a national investigation has begun into the person who was “just scrolling.” Authorities suspect the culprit may have also updated 17 apps, backed up 20,000 photos and watched TikTok in 4K using church-level confidence.
Dear Distinguished Consumer of Bandwidth,
I hope this letter meets you before your next download begins.
On behalf of millions of hardworking Nigerians who purchased data with sweat, sacrifice, and a silent prayer, I write to ask one simple question: Who finished the data?
At exactly 8:03 a.m., our monthly subscription was activated with joy and optimism. By 10:17 a.m., someone had somehow consumed 97% of it, leaving behind only enough megabytes to receive bank debit alerts and buffering circles.
Investigations have ruled out normal internet activity. Watching one YouTube video cannot possibly explain this tragedy. Neither can checking email, reading the news, or pretending to work from home.
Attention has therefore shifted to that family member who insists they were "just scrolling," despite simultaneously downloading five Netflix seasons, updating seventeen apps, backing up twenty thousand photos, and watching TikTok in glorious 4K.
You know yourself.
You are the reason Wi-Fi passwords now have the same level of security as online banking. You are why every Nigerian has become a network detective, interrogating every connected device like an anti-corruption agency tracing missing public funds.
"Who connected this phone?"
"Who is watching YouTube?"
"Who left hotspot on?"
These are now legitimate household security questions.
Should you be reading this with the last remaining 2MB that you somehow spared us, know that forgiveness is possible. Simply confess, contribute to the next data subscription, and promise never again to click "Download over mobile data."
Yours in eternal buffering,
The Association of Financially Exhausted Data Subscribers.
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