Private Sector Begs Government to Stop Helping It

Nigeria's private sector has politely asked the Federal Government to suspend its latest attempt at improving workers' retirement by increasing pension contributions, arguing that employees would first need to survive the present before making elaborate plans for the future.

Business owners described the proposal as "financially adventurous," noting that many companies are already operating on a sophisticated business model known as "God will provide."

"We are not against pensions," one employer explained while calculating salaries with the seriousness of a NASA engineer. "We simply believe retirement should remain something workers worry about after they've successfully navigated transport fares, rent, electricity bills, school fees, inflation, and buying one crate of eggs without requesting a loan."

Employees were equally confused by the proposal.

"You're asking me to save more money for when I'm 65," said one office worker staring at his account balance. "I still haven't recovered from spending N2,500 on shawarma last Friday. Let's survive Wednesday first."

Financial experts say the policy is designed to ensure Nigerians enjoy a more comfortable retirement. Nigerians, however, say they are still trying to enjoy a comfortable Tuesday.

The Manufacturers Association reportedly suggested an alternative contribution model where the government first contributes stable electricity, affordable diesel, lower interest rates, and roads that don't qualify as archaeological sites before requesting additional financial commitments from employers.

Meanwhile, pension administrators welcomed the proposal, describing it as "excellent long-term planning" and reminding workers that the money would be available decades from now, assuming inflation doesn't eventually classify today's retirement savings as enough to purchase one bottle of soft drink.

Economists insist higher pension contributions are an investment in the future.

Workers insist the future keeps calling, but the present won't stop sending bills.

At press time, Nigerians were said to be carefully planning for retirement by opening yet another betting account, buying two bags of rice "before the price changes again," and hoping that whichever one matures first, their pension or the economy, will remember to inform the other.