House of Reps Proposes Ministry of Social Media Arguments

In a bold move to harness one of Nigeria's fastest-growing natural resources, the House of Representatives has proposed the establishment of a Ministry of Social Media Arguments, tasked with coordinating the nation's daily online quarrels.

Lawmakers say the ministry became necessary after discovering that Nigerians spend more time debating on social media than discussing issues with their actual neighbours.

According to the proposal, the new ministry will oversee all online disputes involving politics, football, religion, tribal matters, celebrity gossip, and whether jollof rice originated from one state or another.

"We cannot continue to allow these arguments operate without regulation," a legislator explained. "Every day, millions of Nigerians wake up with fully charged phones and empty data plans, ready to defend people who don't know they exist."

The ministry is expected to employ thousands of certified keyboard warriors, professional quote-tweeters, screenshot analysts, and experts in replying with "Respectfully, you're wrong."

A special department will reportedly verify whether a viral apology is genuine or merely "taken out of context," while another unit will issue licences for using phrases like "Go and read," "Cry more," and "Who hurt you?"

Meanwhile, civil servants are already lobbying for transfers into the ministry, citing its attractive work environment, where productivity is measured in ratio counts instead of paperwork.

Ordinary Nigerians welcomed the proposal with mixed reactions.

"This is long overdue," said one X user before engaging in a seven-hour argument over the announcement.

Political observers say the ministry could become Nigeria's busiest government agency, provided its staff can stop arguing among themselves long enough to attend meetings.